Category: Uncategorized

I’ve been waiting months to have an appointment at Mount Sinai hospital with the colorectal surgeon as a consult for my next steps. And today was that day. As excited as I was, I left feeling scatter brained and confused burdened with a very emotional decision.

Continue reading “The Decision to have a J-Pouch: More Baggage” →

Today is World IBD Day and my fellow ostomates, colitis friends, IBD patients, and chronic illness advocates are banning together in purple in an effort to raise awareness for this disease. People talk about cancer, they talk about MS, we’re even beginning to talk about mental health. But we still rarely talk about IBD. Why? Because it’s shitty.

Continue reading “World IBD Day” →

There is a common theme in my IBD life and that is the waiting game. I feel like I’m always waiting. For over a year I’ve been waiting for some thing or another. It’s a bad, bad habit I’ve gotten myself into and I’m starting to drive myself a little crazy.

Last year, waiting for an appointment to see my GI. I let my flare get out of control rather than checking myself into the hospital.

Continue reading “The Waiting Game” →

On March 11^th 2015 I was admitted to the hospital for the first time. And although I missed out on going to the Junos, as long as I was better in time for my best friend’s engagement party in June I was okay with it. I started counting days and weeks on a calendar for how long it would take for my puffy face to go down, so I could not only attend, but also look good for the party. And then I was admitted again in April and discussions around surgery started to put a dark cloud over my timeline. But when I was admitted AGAIN in May I had to prepare myself for the very real possibility that although I had planned the celebration I might not be able to go. As I came to terms with accepting that conclusion it didn’t matter because the REAL event wasn’t until next year: The wedding in Costa Rica. And surely I would better by then….

By September when I realized that medical treatment had not worked and I needed surgery, I told my doctors I had one condition: I needed to be fully recovered in time for March 2016 so I could stand beside my person in Costa Rica. If I needed to have a bag on this trip, as daunting and devastating as that sounded, I JUST needed to be there. And if I was healthy enough to not shit my pants the entire time and have enough energy to stay awake for a full day, then that was a bonus. Even if it meant having an ostomy. So with my new doctor, we had a very clear goal. And she stuck to it.

Continue reading “Travelling with an Ostomy: My trip to Costa Rica” →

Behind closed doors I am full of insecurities and vulnerabilities. I try on several outfits and bathing suits and pull my hair back 5 different ways that all look the same. Behind closed doors I make sure I am well cleaned and prepared, emptied and leak proof. Behind closed doors I pause, and take an extra breath.

Outside I am full of laughter and stories. I talk to several people and taste 5 different drinks that all taste the same. Outside I make sure I smile and am approachable, confident and gracious. Outside I race, and forget to take the extra breath.

Behind closed doors it is nighttime and I am forgetful of pain and exposure. I am intoxicated on salty air, palm trees and mojitos. I am dizzy with lust and excitement. Behind closed doors sickness is forgotten and desire takes over. Behind closed doors I feel kissed and wanted. Behind closed doors I am hesitant and take a deep breath.

Outside it is morning and I am reminded of reality. I am alive with nourishment, hydration and sunlight. I have a clear mind and am reflective. Outside I remember logistics and unease sets it. Outside I feel regret and heartache. Outside I either using calming breathing techniques, or anxiety makes it so I can’t breath at all.

Behind closed doors I am reminded of the extent of my vulnerable heart. I am hypersensitive and extra susceptible to agony. I am contemplative and promise to be more diligent in my decisions. Thank you to the person who uncovered that vulnerability and accepted it in its raw form. Thank you for allowing me to be bare and exposed, body and mind. Thank you for giving me that taste of excitement I have longed for, but reminding me of the appropriateness of choosing someone deserving. Thank you for offering apologies, but still demonstrating an aspiration. And thank you for reminding me to breath.

When I was a fourteen year old named Rainbow, I began my work with the Town of Newmarket and met a friend named Cracker as we played Huckle Buckle and Flinch at Camp Newlaka. I could write pages and pages about stories from our years as camp counsellors as summers turned into university days and camp socials turned into every other weekend spent together. From floaters to directors to coordinators to building monitors and programmers, here I am twelve years later, giving her my resignation from the Town of Newmakret.

Continue reading “The Youth Centre” →

This initiative is extremely important and I did not want to post one entry with disregarding the magnitude of what else is going on today. I actually look forward to this day because I read all the comments and posts about people opening up about their experiences and hardships when most of the time it is kept inside.

Continue reading “#BellLetsTalk” →