I’m writing this post slightly intoxicated since I haven’t had the courage to write this sober yet, but here it goes:
I’m not good at dating.
I’m awkward and say the wrong thing and make jokes that I think are hilarious but only a select few think are funny. To be completely honest since my teenage heart was broken I have not gathered myself enough to really date again. So I settled for games and excuses where a temporary fling was enough to get by and a casual trust in intimacy was adequate comfort.
And as the years pass, and as friends find love and build lives with their partners, my self confidence dwindles and lacks even further. The pressure is on more and more while I see my peers start families and homes while here I am in my parent’s house learning to live with an ostomy.
My confidence lowered as soon as I had a flare up. How do you explain having to excuse yourself from dinner multiple times to use the restroom? How do you come up with excuse after excuse not to sleep over at someone’s house because nighttime is when it’s worst? And then you get so sick that even meeting up for a drink is too draining and it sounds like you’re just being a flake when you bail. How do you maintain confidence when you get a puffy face and it looks like you gained 40 pounds? And then all your hair falls out. And there’s the very simple question of how do you start to date someone when you potentially will end up in the hospital again. How do you drag yet another person into the whirlwind of your medical drama?
Dating is hard.
And then there is a very big question of having to explain an ostomy? For someone new to my life, how do I begin to explain the year I just went though and my life now? “Hey nice to meet you….Things are going great…..I like you….By the way I have an ostomy…Hope you’re okay with that….”
I have no idea how to explain the disease or the turmoil it has caused. I don’t know how to act like I’m okay and moving on, when 2015 had such an impact on my life. My ostomy is who I am now. So when do I bring it up? How do I explain that I’m still me but now I have a bag that makes me healthy me? How can I be confident in a body that’s so different than the norm? I love my body because I’m healthy but I am so scared of it because it’s so unusual.
I usually end each post with my own conclusions or with a positive note but I am somewhat at a loss. I am completely open and honest and love who I am. Yet lack so much confidence and poise when it comes to finding a partner who can love me back. I’m going to end this post as a cliff hanger: A stay tuned because I believe that this is part of the process too. I need to find assurance in myself before I can possibly accept assurance from others but believe that self-love is a big step. I can recognize that dating is hard for anyone. But kudos to those who love despite the extra baggage.