Behind closed doors I am full of insecurities and vulnerabilities. I try on several outfits and bathing suits and pull my hair back 5 different ways that all look the same. Behind closed doors I make sure I am well cleaned and prepared, emptied and leak proof. Behind closed doors I pause, and take an extra breath.

Outside I am full of laughter and stories. I talk to several people and taste 5 different drinks that all taste the same. Outside I make sure I smile and am approachable, confident and gracious. Outside I race, and forget to take the extra breath.

Behind closed doors it is nighttime and I am forgetful of pain and exposure. I am intoxicated on salty air, palm trees and mojitos. I am dizzy with lust and excitement. Behind closed doors sickness is forgotten and desire takes over. Behind closed doors I feel kissed and wanted. Behind closed doors I am hesitant and take a deep breath.

Outside it is morning and I am reminded of reality. I am alive with nourishment, hydration and sunlight. I have a clear mind and am reflective. Outside I remember logistics and unease sets it. Outside I feel regret and heartache. Outside I either using calming breathing techniques, or anxiety makes it so I can’t breath at all.

Behind closed doors I am reminded of the extent of my vulnerable heart. I am hypersensitive and extra susceptible to agony. I am contemplative and promise to be more diligent in my decisions. Thank you to the person who uncovered that vulnerability and accepted it in its raw form. Thank you for allowing me to be bare and exposed, body and mind. Thank you for giving me that taste of excitement I have longed for, but reminding me of the appropriateness of choosing someone deserving. Thank you for offering apologies, but still demonstrating an aspiration. And thank you for reminding me to breath.